I awoke today with the view of attaining new employment after an uneventful couple of years working in the internationally renowned NHS. This globally recognised and revered institution is a mainstay of life in Britain. But alas, instead of plunging into the depths of the local press and seemingly endless archives of vacancies listed on the world wide web, I find myself glued, no, hang on, mentally and physically dependant on what appears on the TV screen in my very home.

This of course is another of Britains most loved institutions, daytime television. I find myself powerless to resist the need to find out whose baby it really is and which man (and I use this term loosely), the woman (I use this term looser still), will chose to stand by her to raise the imminent financial and emotional burden in the form of a little human being, more commonly known in these circles as a baybee. I use the terms man and woman loosely due to the fact that these people rarely are men and women, more often they are children themselves. They present themselves readily to the anticipating viewers to pour out their under-developed emotions on shows with titles such as Whos the father, my lover or my ex. DNA Results. Or my favourite from todays offerings My fianc sold my engagement ring to buy lager. No seriously, that was the title of todays show.

I now realise that all my years at work have prevented me from making the most of televisions daytime gifts to the public in the form of these slick but predictable productions. They are predictable due to the presenters of these shows. There seems to be a few phrases that work in every situation and are consistently regurgitated in each of these shows, such as, you need to be true to yourself, you need to respect each other and not forgetting the inevitable you need to get help/we have people that can help you. These presenters parade themselves around our screens in their holier than thou manner informing their guests what their problems are and how to solve them.

If this is the case then please inform me why the producers are showing clips of them on the same show in an earlier episode? Ill tell you why, because we cant get enough of it. Why make one show when you can make two, or three or four? The viewers take great pleasure from each new twist in the tale, every new chapter in the book of this sixteen year olds eventful life. This of course broadens the cast with each visit to the studio. Episode two, along comes the enthusiastically vocal sister (you know the one, with the massive hoop earrings and green earlobes). Episode three, we meet the inevitably obese mother, wearing her Thursday night Bingo outfit. By episode four you would expect to meet the father. This rarely occurs due to the fact that he got out as soon as he could he could while kayleigh was still in mums belly. I am starting to strongly believe that the only reason these people keep coming back is so that everyone in the family can finally discover what it feels like to stay in the sophisticated surroundings of a hotel.

It appears that the only nights spent away from home for these people is at the expense of their local constabulary, or quite often at the pleasure of the person with whom they were engaged in sexual relations with that landed them on the show in the first place. This leads me nicely onto the subject of the men, or boys as they are more commonly referred to.

These men, not often out of their teenage years sit slumped in a chair, centre stage, swathed in gold, torn jeans and polo shirts with the buttons undone and the collars put up. The epitome of British youth, with their undercut hairstyles (this is when the hair on top is long with the back and sides shaved) and patchy beards they proceed to sell themselves for the job of father. This is usually backed up with statements including the phrases 200 a fortnight from the social and more when the baybee arrives. The point here is that these lads are never prepared for the duties of fatherhood and seem to think the only factor a child depends on is financial security which the government will provide because he cant be bothered. Of course, once prompted, the subject of love will rear its head and the boy will wholeheartedly agree that he will love the child like it was his own. Which it may well be depending on the forthcoming DNA test results.

Once the boy has had his say it is time for the next boy to emerge to the audiences boos and heckling, and lunge in an uncommitted fashion for the first boy. This requires the need for the unnecessarily burly studio security to step forward in a timely manner to prevent the ensuing furore. I wish that for one time they would sit back and see if the brash, swaggering child would actually follow through with his hollow attack or hastily make out it was a rush to his chair on the realisation that the security were not going to jump in to stop either of them getting hurt. Once the initial apelike meeting is over its time to discuss who loves the sixteen year old more. This brings on a whole host of bleeping to disguise the lads fruitful, if not sophisticated vocabulary. When this short episode is complete it is finally time to meet the woman at the centre of this battle.

She is young and pregnant, a mirror image of her mother at the same age. She wears enough gold to sell and provide for her upcoming family for many weeks. Above all else she is an embarrassment. Not only to herself, but her family, everyone she has ever known and all the residents of the town she lives in. Actually, she is an embarrassment to me. To think that I come from the same great land that provides these people. I come from the same education system, she is my generation! She knowingly puts herself on national television to promote the fact that she has had unprotected sex with more than one person which has landed her with a child, and possibly a few STDs judging by the boys records. This is not acceptable!

These people dont need publicity, they need punishment. Not in the form of beating or jail, they need to be made to conform to a way of life that they always seem to resent. When an audience member asks if employment is a possibility to rebuild their shattered young lives they are usually met with grunts to the effect of I aint gonna work cos Im aving a baybee. Instead these girls truly believe that a fulfilling existence requires a double buggy, a weekly trip to the post office and a boy, or two, with whom to sleep or argue, depending on how the mood takes them. These people could be successfully utilised through home working arrangements or work place training, with a crche of course. Im not suggesting slavery, just a benefits system that relies on effort and results from the beneficiary rather than one based on a belief that this land owes these people a comfortable life for very little input.

But going back to the point of the success of these daytime chat shows, the reason they are so successful lies within the fact that we can nearly all see a bit of ourselves in these situations. Weve all had arguments and times when we seriously want to hurt someone close to us. We just choose to settle these matters in the privacy of our own homes, but these days it seems that there is a television schedule that can put things right for us. Like it or not, have you always been true to yourself? Have you always heaped respect on everyone you have ever known? If not, you are a perfect candidate for daytime TV. You, like me should be on that phone booking your appearance. Maybe Ill see you at the hotel.